April Fools’ Day
By Yana Amis
First of all, on April first, the very tradition itself annoys me. Why April first, and why April Fools’ Day? One somehow does not want to believe that the world is made up entirely of idiots for everyone else to laugh at.
On the other hand, Smart People’s Day has still not been established. Does that fact not speak for itself?
Just look at what is happening in the world.
In light of all these troubles, I propose establishing an International Smart People’s Day. ISPD. The opening of this day could take place on Parliament Hill; they have never seen such an event there before, and I guarantee that the celebration would attract masses of smart and интеллигент people. Well, so what if they are unemployed? Work can always be found, and money is no wolf — it will not run off into the forest, especially if there is none to begin with. I do not remember exactly how this saying properly goes in old Russia, but that is precisely why smart people gather together: to talk heart to heart, sing, and laugh. (Mostly at one another.)
All this, of course, comes from too much intellect, as does any other sorrow. For example, on April first my acquaintance Natalia calls her beloved young man.
— Boris, my new computer has crashed! I have to finish a contract, I’m terrified.
— What kind of computer do you have?
— A laptop.
— What happened?
— I accidentally spilled a cup of hot tea on it.
— Natalia, dry it with a hair dryer. Turn on the dryer, point it at the computer, let it dry.
— I turned it on.
— Good girl, set it to the hottest air.
— I am. Oh, Boris! My computer is melting right before my eyes!
— Natalia, are you completely foolish? Don’t you understand jokes?
The computer goes in the trash, Natalia goes to the emergency room. But her beloved had a good laugh. April first!
A practical joke.
After Smart People’s Day is established, nobody will do such stupid things anymore. As part of this wonderful holiday, it would be possible to create the Club of Clever Immigrants, abbreviated CCI, in order to finally drop anchor here and secure for ourselves the cultural initiative to which poor Canada is so vulnerable. “Just listen to their songs, read their books, and talk about lofty matters,” many of us say, although we ourselves could not sing a single Canadian song even with a hangover. These Canadian songs are unknown to us, as are all the other forms of Canadian creativity. Why study them when it is so much easier to say that Canada has no culture at all, except perhaps for the multicultural holiday of April Fools’ Day — and only because fools make up the majority here.
That is why many people will want to become members of the CCI, in order to partake in cultural initiative — and for defensive reasons as well. The immigrant of today has become cruel; these are not the White émigrés and all those godly dandelions with their decency and other foolishness. You cannot lend money to today’s immigrant, nor a good book. At the same time, a decent person has to acquire wisdom somewhere. The CCI will become exactly such an organization — namely for those who use their heads in order to earn by means of other people’s hands. Women and the poor will not be admitted to the CCI. There is a certain rationale in this: if admission to the club is available to the majority, then where is the exclusivity? And without exclusivity, what kind of club can it be? Those with deeper pockets will be able to purchase the most expensive membership and the right to vote on whom to admit and whom to reject. It is in precisely this way that High Society will be created.
It is possible that some unhappy refugee may turn out to be so intelligent that he will have no desire to join all those well-packaged members. Perhaps he finds repellent a High Society in which capital and practical jokes enjoy greater respect than simple human intelligence. As a refugee and a genuine humanist, he has no need for such company. Being a smart man, he may open his own club — for example, the Club of Intelligent Neurotic Loners, abbreviated CINL. It is frightening to imagine what they would do in this CINL, but that is none of your business; you would not be admitted there anyway, again on the principle of exclusivity.
And so it turns out that the ordinary person has nowhere to belong, even on April first. Everyone seems to boycott him, since he is not exclusive in any way, has zero sense of humor, and only breaks his head over how to earn money honestly and feed his family. It is hard to make sense of all this, especially when the snow is melting all around and the first snowdrops are appearing.
In any case, April first is not the end of the world but the beginning of spring, so when you leave home, do not forget to smile a silly, happy smile in the hope that spring will last forever and that, in the end, someone, somewhere, will accept you too.